when confrontation is the kindest thing a teacher can do

This is Ashtanga Yoga Tech Support. Real questions from the yoga community, answered.

The Question

Is it ever appropriate for a yoga teacher to directly confront a student about unpaid dues, practice gaps, or boundary violations? Can accountability like that—especially in a long-term teacher-student relationship—actually be an act of care rather than harshness?

— from a MJH note

Our Response

Yes. And sometimes it’s the only kind thing left to do.

Spiritual bypassing dressed up as compassion isn’t compassion. It’s conflict avoidance with a mala around its neck. When a teacher lets things slide—unpaid dues, skipped vinyasas, post-class boundary creep—because naming it feels “un-yogic,” that’s not kindness. That’s cowardice papered over with om shanti.

The trap most students set (often unconsciously): any feedback that isn’t praise gets heard as rejection. No room for curiosity. No room for construction. Just binary—good student or bad student, loved or unloved. That’s how twelve years of unspoken things pile up until a teacher finally says, “I don’t think I want to be your yoga teacher anymore.” And means it.

But here’s the thing: if the relationship matters, if the practice matters, that confrontation can crack the whole thing open. Not to destruction. To repair. Specific commitments. New language. Actual relating instead of performance.

Yama comes before asana. That’s not decorative philosophy. It’s structural. If we can’t be honest with each other about money, time, effort, and boundaries, we’re not practicing together. We’re just sharing a room.

The kindest thing a teacher can do is refuse to pretend. The practice depends on it.